Healing from Emotional Neglect: Reclaiming Your Self-Worth.

Restoring the Lost  Pieces was my journey to Self-Worth -  Rachel

From a personal perspective, I've realised that working on my self-worth didn't just start with journalling, self-care, grounding techniques, or meditation. The healing process began by restoring the lost pieces, understanding why I behave the way I do, acknowledging my privileges in society, and recognising the challenges of being the eldest sibling in the home.
​
I remember looking after my siblings, cooking dinner and cleaning the house before I could even ask, "Can I play out?" Growing up in South London before gaming took over the world, there was a freedom to socialise and develop life skills when playing outside. As the oldest, I've come to understand through counselling that my upbringing involved more responsibility than that of my siblings, which is a common experience.
​
Although my basic needs were met, I felt emotionally unsupported because my mother was not there for me in that way. At the time, I didn't have the words to express or even realise that my childhood lacked emotional support. The truth is, all my friends came from similar backgrounds; we were physically cared for but lacked emotional support. We all felt loved, but we rarely heard the words “I love you.” Expressions of love were not shown like in American movies. Love was communicated differently, often through actions rather than words. Those movies always made me question what love really is, which had a significant impact on my self-worth as an adult.
This article will explore how childhood emotional neglect impacts self-esteem and self-worth in adulthood and provide strategies to heal these wounds. I hope this read will offer you the insights needed to begin reclaiming your self-worth and building a healthier, more fulfilling life.
 
Therapeutic Work - Chantel’s Story

When Chantel first came to me, she was on the verge of leaving her partner. She felt deeply undervalued and couldn't understand why she kept ending up in unhealthy relationships. As we built a strong therapeutic relationship, Chantel began to open up about her past. Through our sessions, she started to see how her upbringing had shaped her current behaviour patterns. Chantel realised that her childhood experiences, particularly those where she felt neglected and unworthy, were influencing her choices in men. She often attracted emotionally unavailable partners—the ones who never listened, forgot birthdays, and dismissed her emotional needs.
By exploring these connections, Chantel gained invaluable insights into the origins of her low self-esteem and feelings of unworthiness. She recognised that her tendency to seek out partners who mirrored her childhood experiences was a way of unconsciously trying to 'fix' her past. With this new awareness, she began working on breaking the cycle of emotional neglect by prioritising her self-worth and setting healthier boundaries in her relationships. Chantel's journey wasn't easy, but with each session, she moved closer to making more fulfilling and healthy decisions when starting and building her relationships.

Understanding Emotional Neglect

Emotional neglect occurs in childhood when a child's emotional needs are consistently ignored or unmet by their parents or caregivers. According to D.W. Winnicott's theory, even if parents are "good enough" in providing for a child's physical needs—such as safety, food, clothing, and shelter—they may still fall short in offering emotional support. For parents who had children before the millennium, especially within my community, emotional intelligence was often not passed down through generations. As a result, the ability to provide the necessary emotional support was lacking. Emotional intelligence is understanding, using and managing your emotions positively. It helps you communicate effectively, empathise with others, overcome challenges and defuse conflict. Imagine a child who comes home from school feeling upset because they were bullied. A parent with high emotional intelligence might notice the child's distress, ask them about their day, listen attentively and offer comfort and support. They would help the child process their emotions and find constructive ways to deal with the situation. However, when emotional intelligence is lacking, the parent might dismiss the child's feelings, tell them to toughen up, encourage them to beat the bully, or simply ignore their emotional needs.

This leaves the child feeling unsupported and alone, unable to process their emotions effectively or learn healthy ways to cope. Over time, this can lead to a deep sense of emotional neglect, impacting the child's self-worth and potentially leading to unhealthy behaviours, such as suppressing their feelings or resorting to aggression instead of communication. These patterns can create significant challenges in forming healthy relationships in adulthood.

Signs and Symptoms in Adulthood

As an adult, emotional neglect from childhood can manifest in various ways such as;

• Low Self-Esteem: You might struggle with feelings of inadequacy or believe you are not worthy of love and attention.
• Difficulty in Relationships: Forming and maintaining healthy relationships can be challenging due to trust issues and fear of intimacy.
• Chronic Feelings of Emptiness: A pervasive sense of loneliness or emptiness may exist regardless of external circumstances.
• Emotional Unavailability: You may find it hard to identify and express your emotions, often feeling disconnected from your inner self.

As someone specialising in trauma-informed care, I understand how past traumas can deeply affect your current mental health and daily life. Trauma-informed care recognises these effects and aims to provide a safe, supportive environment for exploring and healing past wounds. I am mindful of how trauma impacts my clients and will use techniques to ensure their safety when addressing past traumas. This approach is particularly effective for individuals who have experienced emotional neglect, as it addresses the immediate and long-term effects of these experiences.

5 Practical Steps to Rebuild Self-Worth

1.Acknowledge Your Past
Recognising that you experienced emotional neglect is the first step towards healing. This involves reflecting on your childhood and identifying moments where your emotional needs were unmet. It's crucial to validate your feelings and understand that your experiences were real and impactful. Talking about your past with a trusted friend or a counsellor can help you process these emotions. By acknowledging your past, you begin to break the cycle of neglect and pave the way for emotional healing and healthier relationships.

2.Self-Compassion
Practice being kind and gentle with yourself. Remember that healing is a journey and it's okay to have setbacks. Techniques like mindfulness and self-compassion exercises can be incredibly beneficial.
 
3.Therapeutic Support
Working with a counsellor can help you explore and process your childhood experiences. You’ll learn to identify and challenge negative thought patterns contributing to low self-esteem, hoping to improve your emotional connection with others, which can help you build healthier relationships.

4. Build Healthy Relationships
Surround yourself with supportive and understanding people. Practice setting boundaries and communicating your emotional needs clearly.
 
5. Develop Self-Awareness
Engage in activities that help you connect with your emotions, such as journaling, meditation, hobbies, or creative arts. Understanding your emotional responses can help you gain greater self-awareness, empowering you to control your mental health and make informed decisions about your well-being.

Conclusion
Healing from emotional neglect is a journey that requires patience and self-compassion. By acknowledging your past, seeking support and practising self-care, you can rebuild your self-worth and lead a more fulfilling life. Remember, you are not alone on this journey. If you resonate with Chantel’s story or have experienced similar challenges, reach out for a consultation. Follow me on my socials for more insights and tips on healing and personal growth.